Writer Mistakes: Inadvertent Creepiness

Writers have to be vigilant about straying into the Land of the Creeps.

I thought about this pitfall today when on a mundane stop at the grocery store. In the produce department my eyes kept going toward a chunky blond woman in a U2 Tshirt who selected ears of fresh Spring corn and shucked them with an artful sort of dexterity. I almost forgot what I came into that section to buy.

Long ago I read a draft chapter in which the author fell into the creepiness. Here’s the example. The scene was supposedly about watercolor painting, and the female character let her mind drift as she painted. Eventually she became hot and bothered, in a sexual way, and was home alone, so you can surmise what came next. The author later talked about the scene with regret and chagrin. She carefully avoided admission of anything in the scene that had to do with herself. Who wants to admit being creepy?

A couple of people suggested that my novel Houston Chemical was a bragging exhibition and nostalgic exercise in repressed sexual desire, or some such thing. That the women were mere bedroom objects (as if women don’t have men as sex objects; in reality we live in a world of sex objects). It wasn’t meant to be any of that. It is a story of one guy’s transition from bad to better to worse; a Byronic hero in search of happiness but foiled by his own indiscretions. I will argue that most characters have some sort of dimension to them other than being bed-hoppers, but that doesn’t mean the Creepiness Factor isn’t there for some readers.

I think the writer’s realization of their own Creepiness is more unsettling than any Creepiness experienced by the reader.  You can have the reader for a while but soon their attention is somewhere else and keeps moving and moving on. The writer is stuck with their own product – at least until they fix it (caught and repaired with relief in draft stage).

Some never fix it.  Seems that would be a detriment, but reactions are unpredictable. Consider Chad Harbach, who wrote lurid, creepy stuff, but the critics (apparently oblivious to situations like Penn State’s locker room, and willing to celebrate the fictional aspects of a college dean gobbling the goop of a student) loved the book anyway.

The realization that one has written oneself into the Land of the Creeps is forgivable, of course, but disturbing. The next time one writes, it’s a bit like driving after getting a speeding ticket.

Enemy of the State

He was leaving when I came in, the Enemy of the State. I didn’t see his face, just his glossy black hair. And he wore a camel-colored sports coat. If I had to guess, he was Italian and about forty. He was on the bulky side like he played football once. I noticed Stacie’s hands were shaking. Her phony welcome smile didn’t hide her anxiety about what just happened when the Enemy of the State visited her clinic. I took my position on the bench, face down, like I do every week. Stacie’s breathing was heavy above me. She put the heel of her palm flat against my lower back and I guess put her other one on top of it and then her weight came next, all five-eight of her. She pushed violently. I heard the grunting noise she always made with the effort, and this one was a little louder. My back popped back into place and I got up and smiled at her with relief. I gave her my usual thirty-dollars. For a second I thought she wasn’t going to take it. There was no time to talk to her. She led me to the door, like she was anxious to have the place empty again. Her tied-up hair had come loose and strands hung in her face in distress. Even so, I remember thinking how pretty she looked as I left. The place closed, and I never went back. A few months later I read in the paper that the clinic was busted. The Enemy of the State was identified and convicted of health insurance fraud. Poor Stacie was found to be complicit and got a sentence as well. They sent her to the Federal Pen in Miami for two years.

Sometime over the holidays in the mid 2000s – I can’t recall exactly, an anonymous phone call came in. A male voice with a thick Long Guyland accent said, “Stay clear of her.”

Three would make her weep

She didn’t know what she was doing. The “CD Hits” jukebox ate her dollars. If a machine could be smug, she thought, this was the one. Her thoughts grew angry. Just like that little chink bitch yesterday at Lucky-Duck 89, she thought. The one who tried to shortchange a twenty for three measly egg rolls.

An adolescent waiter asked if she needed help. She said she was trying to play Best of Bare Naked Ladies. It’s her idea of fine music.

Applebys’ sound system was stuck. Haunting twangy guitars saturated with reverb and Chris Isaak’s plaintive Elvis voice. Endlessly during her solo supper of pasta diablo del mar and brown insta-bread. Toyed-with cellphone, no Incoming’s, spotted with grease marks.

Two glasses of bordeaux. She remembered that three would make her weep.

She paid the tab. Heard Chris still wailing on extended speakers in the bathroom. Saw her moonlike forehead stressed and oily in the mirror, but her eyes cocaine bright. Breasts still right out there, one or two more buttons undone before leaving, the maroon pushup bra doing its best.

Wasn’t sure where to go next, sitting in that new Lexus, not even able to hear it idle.

Brother Bill’s Social Network Prayer Rap

God spare us Mugbook and ratchetjaw Twitter
All that stuff’s going straight in the shitter.

Grant us real writing
amid the weblog smog, where
the language radiates
and imaginates,
pontificates and
metaphoriates –

Seems to me
at sixty-three
the other’s got no arts,
just me-me dope from mundane charts,
benign and fine
for those who like that line,

but to me at sixty-three
the table talk chatter
lacks substance and matter –

So bury me not
on the Mugbook wall,
I prefer my lot
on lonely blogspot:

Land of the blog,
dog,
Blessed is the blog,
dog;
Blessed is the blog.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dios nos libre Mugbook y Twitter ratchetjaw
Todo eso va directamente en el cagadero.

Concédenos la escritura real
en medio de la niebla blog, donde
el lenguaje irradia
y imaginates,
pontificados y
metaphoriates –

Me parece que
en el sesenta y tres
la otra tiene ni artes,
sólo yo-yo la droga de las cartas mundanas,
benigna y fino
para aquellos que gustan de esa línea,

pero para mí en el sesenta y tres
la charla conversación en la mesa
carece de sustancia y la materia –

Así que no me entierres
en la pared Mugbook,
Yo prefiero mi suerte
en blogspot solitaria:

Tierra del blog,
perro,
Bendito sea el blog,
perro;
Bendito sea el blog.